It's okay if you throw-up. Do it anyway.

 

When I was a Freshman in college, I wrote a play for a final project for one of my intro classes. Over winter break a couple folks in the department read it and one of the Directing students decided to produce it for her final project. I was so excited. We went thru casting, and rewrites, and a beautiful rehearsal process and everything was great. Then we had a small preview performance with a handful of people in the audience and my roommate found me hiding in a corner, knees to my chest, looking like I might die. She asked what was wrong and I burst out "I feel like they're reading my diary." I'll never forget that feeling. When I started teaching theater, then dance, then tumbling, I felt those same feelings. The "I'm not supposed to be here. How did I get here? Someone is going to call me out and make me leave" feeling. 

After opening night of that show, one of my friends slipped a note in my mailbox that said "it takes a strong kind of person to display their work so fully and openly and I'm so glad you have the strength to share your talent with us." I still have that note and I've carried those words in my heart with me. 

The beautiful cast and crew of "30 Types of Coffee" 

No one has ever walked into one of my classes, called me a fraud, and kicked me to the curb, but goodness are those feelings hard to get rid of. It's now been over a decade since I started teaching and I can't even tell you the last time I have written out a lesson plan, because it's second nature now. 

Tonight, I taught my first yoga class. I've been working on my teacher certification for about four months now and my final project was to teach a class. Really lovely humans from all walks of my life took my class. I prepared so diligently, but could feel my nerves creeping up as we went. When the class was over, I sat on my mat and tried to take in how I was feeling when I was hit with a thought I wasn't expecting which was "Am I going to throw up?" As I came down from the high of doing the thing I was scared to do my body crashed and I felt like I was 18 again, standing in a dance studio, waiting for someone to kick me out. 

After I pushed out the thought that we all have this year when we don't feel well (Do I have COVID?),  I was reminded of Mary's note and I went into my closet and pulled it out and read the words I haven't read since I was 18 hiding in a theater. They're still true. 

Turns out you're never too old or too experienced to scare the shit out of yourself, but you have something to offer this world. You have something to offer that no one else can offer and it's worth doing, even if you throw up afterwards.