I know you're there.

I'm almost afraid to write this post. I'm afraid because there are still 20 days left in 2017 and I'm just not convinced that this year isn't done kicking me down yet.

I've cried a lot this year. A LOT. I have cried alone in my car in pain from my disease. I've cried while walking through the streets of Philadelphia because doctors are difficult. I've cried sitting on a curb outside my office building with an incredibly kind coworker sitting next to me saying "you don't have to talk to me, I just can't be in there knowing you're out here, so I'm just going to sit here". I've cried at the door of my apartment when I opened another hospital bill. I've cried in friends' apartments in the middle of night when I called and asked if I could come over and the answer is always yes. I've sat in my car on the phone saying "we can't talk about this right now because I have to be somewhere and I can't cry anymore, but this is what's going on." I've cried while typing my feelings into my computer as I lay awake wondering why my relationship crumbled. I have cried in front of doctors, friends, family, coworkers, strangers, and the poor unfortunate souls that answer the phone at my insurance company. Heck, I'm crying writing this post because if you need feelings this year, I'm your girl. Every time I think that 2017 has taken all my tears, I find more, but I'm still here.

I was on the phone with one of my best friends the other day catching her up on everything that's going on and at the end of our conversation she said to me, "Don't be discouraged." Something about the way she said it reminded me of a sermon I once heard where the pastor said that the words "do not be afraid" are written 365 times in the bible. Forever a skeptic, I fact checked that and while it's not quite 365 times, it's still a lot and I have to think if the same thing is written over and over again that maybe we were supposed to hear it.

When bad things are happening to people Christians tend to remind them that God is holding them even though it's hard to feel it. Several people have said that to me and each time it has surprised me because yes, this year has been a challenge, but never once have I doubted that God is in this with me. Each time my heart has broken for something I can feel him reaching out asking me to rest my head in his hands. Each time that I try to pray and all that comes out is tears I hear him saying "I know, my daughter. I know".

The depths of my soul know that God has a plan for me. I know. I know so badly that it hurts. Trusting that knowledge so deeply has given me the strength to reach out to people and ask for the support I need. It has allowed me to reflect and apologize when need be. It has pushed me past all of my selfish pride that wants me to keep my problems to myself and let me tell you, every single person that I have reached towards has stepped up.

My friends and family (and some people that I barely know!) have showered me in love and comfort and support in ways I never knew I needed. I have been shown so much affection that I've actually had to tell people to back down because they were being too much. Not once this year, no matter what has happened have I felt unloved or alone. My group of warriors have grabbed their shields and gone to war with me and I am eternally grateful.

I don't really know how to end this post except to say that I'm okay. I'm hopeful and grateful and filled with love and devotion and sadness and all the other feelings because as my coworker would say, I'm a multi layered person. I can be both happy and sad at the same time. And isn't that just life.