THE YEAR I CHOSE TO LOVE MYSELF

 At this time last year, I was putting myself back together. After a year of anxiety and heartbreak and betrayal, I was taking stock: finding the good things in my life, the relationships forged by the fire, and moving forward, back to my joy. 

As part of my intention-setting ceremony last year I wrote my intention for 2022 on a piece of paper, went outside at midnight, and burned it into the universe. I was at a New Year's Party and the drunken group of people who followed me outside thought I was a little crazy. Amanda and I reflected on that moment last week and while everyone thought I was a little crazy, damn if I didn’t make those intentions happen. 

My intention for 2022 was to stay in my joy. Holy hell, what amazing things you can accomplish when you put your mind to it. It wasn’t just an intention. It was an internal push to make it happen. I stopped dating in September of 2021. It felt good to focus on myself for a while. At the beginning of 2022, I put my money where my mouth was. I signed up for a poetry class, I booked a writing retreat in North Carolina, added more circus classes, and booked a sailing trip in Italy. I started spending each day in a way that brought me joy. Every month on the full moon I’d come back to my journal and take inventory. In what ways did I move closer to my goal each month? Where did I slip up? And I’d move forward.

In my yearly reflection last year I wrote “I want more light” and goodness did I find it. 

In January, I started walking. I’d bundle up and pick a new album and I’d walk through Pittsburgh until I had listened to the whole thing. The fresh air, the music, and the walking gave me time to think and refreshed me for the day. I started my poetry class. An online once-a-week, three-hour session with Phil Kaye, one of my favorite poets. People from all over the world, in different time zones, would snuggle up and settle in. We’d read, we’d write, and we’d share. This community of strangers was so unbelievably welcoming. I’ll share one of my favorite poems that I wrote below. 

In February, I got a message from a childhood friend. “I know you’re not dating,” she said. “but this guy who is friends with my husband, might be perfect for you.” I agreed. She gave him my number. After a week of talking every day, we planned a date. At Phipps. Where we both had dual memberships. I found myself weirdly nervous about this date. The day before I told him I was nervous and that I was going to take Lydia’s yoga class in the morning to calm down. He said that sounded like a good idea. I invited him to join me. He said yes. The next morning, I got to the studio early. “you’re vibrating” Lydia said to me as she and her now husband giggled over my excitement. “do you want me to help you calm down, or do you want to vibrate”. I told her I’d like to vibrate and Dan walked in. We did yoga, we went to the strip district and walked around, we went to Phipps, and we walked through the park. As we got back to our cars we decided we weren’t done. We went to dinner. I got home and texted Taylor “I’m going to marry this guy.” She called me immediately. 

In April. I went to my writers' retreat. It was with another favorite author of mine, Jedidiah Jenkins. I had read both of his books in 2021 so when I saw that he was hosting a weekend-long retreat, I booked it. I rented a little cabin in Boone, NC on Airbnb called the “happy hut” which was a wildly accurate description and I asked Jenna if she wanted to join since I would only be in the cabin to sleep, someone should enjoy it. We drove down together and on the first night, Jed described the weekend as “part writing, part film festival, part summer camp” and again, wildly accurate description. We watched documentaries, wrote, shared, and took over the field for a ridiculously long game of running carcades (if you’ve never played I would LOVE to share it with you). The owners of the yoga retreat center where we were told Jed the whole place was buzzing about our group. This place is generally populated with older yogis who come for silence and reflection. While we were worried they would be mad about us running through the field yelling at each other, instead they thought it was rejuvenating. All of these younger people running through the woods with disposable cameras (we weren’t allowed to have phones) falling in love with each other's spirits. Jed is hosting another retreat this year. I’m going back. Also in April, Dan and I took a blacksmithing class together, because why not. 

May was circus showcase month. I got to perform two pieces, one with the coaches of Iron City Circus Arts and one with a group of friends dubbed “team aggressive”. The people at ICCA are human embodiments of light and love and support. I never stop being amazed at the welcoming community built by Jenly and Kelsey. These people make me stronger (physically and mentally) and they bring me joy. While not mentioned elsewhere I can promise you (and if you follow me on Instagram you know) that circus is a constant in my life. I always leave there feeling better than I did when I came. I’m so incredibly grateful for the friends I have there. 

June was full of celebrating people I love. I got to attend Forrest and Carly’s wedding (though they were actually married the year before) and I got to watch my niece perform in her first dance recital at the studio where I teach tumbling. I haven’t attended the recitals there before because my classes don’t perform so I wasn’t prepared at the end when I was standing backstage and they announced all the teachers and my students lost their minds when my name was called. I’ve had the same students for four and a half years now. Last week they made me promise not to leave until the last of them graduated (she’s in sixth grade). I’ve learned a lot from these kids over the years and they give me great hope for the future. 

Also in June, I stopped straightening my hair. This might seem like a really dumb thing to include, but I had been straightening my hair since high school because I was told I’m prettier with straight hair. Various friends and boyfriends throughout the years confirmed this information, but I liked my curls. I liked that they were different and after 2021 I decided I get to decide what I think is pretty. Now when I look at pictures of myself with straight hair, it feels so boring and not me. I want all of those hours I spent flat ironing my hair back. 

July. woof. Buckle in. On July 4th, I packed up the last of my apartment. I was leaving for Italy the next day and when I returned, I was moving in with Dan. I sat on the floor of my empty apartment and thought back to all of the people who came through those doors, all of the friends who had 2am drinks on the porch. I became the person I needed to be in those walls and it was a mix of joy and pain as I walked out for the last time. The next day, I flew to Italy. The only part of my trip that I was worried about was getting from the airport to my Airbnb. I had a plan for everything else. When I landed I walked outside to find a taxi. Instead, I found a group of men sitting on the sidewalk, chain-smoking cigarettes, and complaining. I don’t speak Italian, but they were grumpy. I walked back inside and found an information booth and asked how to get a taxi. “No taxis. They strike”. I messaged my Airbnb and told them I would be later than I planned. They told me there was a bus that will take to to the city center and it was a twenty-minute walk from there. Great. I bought a bus ticket and hopped on as they were getting ready to pull away. As the bus charged through the busy city I realized my phone hadn’t connected to the data plan yet. Not only did I not know where I was getting off, but I also couldn’t pull up a map when I got there. I got off at a stop that seemed like the middle of the city and started walking, looking for street signs or a cafe that might have wifi. I found none of the above. I told myself that this was one of those situations that I would be super proud of myself for figuring out later. I just had to figure it out. After walking for about twenty minutes in what I hoped was the correct direction I needed a new plan. I called my mom. I told her where I was and told her to get on google and talk me thru to my Airbnb. The two most directionally challenged people in the world managed to make this happen and I was actually only five minutes away from my Airbnb. I get to the building and realize I can’t message them. I still don’t have wifi. Instead, I rang every doorbell on the building (sorry Italy) until a man popped his head out the window and yelled “are you nicole?” Magic. 

The next morning I got a message from someone else in my sailing group. She also arrived early and asked if I wanted to meet up and that’s how I met Elsa in the middle of the square in Catania I liked her immediately. Elsa is so funny and kind and such a good travel buddy. We spent the day together. The next day more people from our group arrived. By the weekend I gathered the whole group and headed to our sailboat that would be our home for the next week. I won’t say too much about our week sailing because the people who know, know and the people who don’t I’ll never be able to do it justice. I will say, sailboat life is definitely for me and when our week was over I was super disappointed to be back on dry land. Marta and I left Italy at the same time, on different flights, with different layovers in Germany, but we were supposed to take the same flight at 10pm from D.C. to Pittsburgh. We said goodbye and crossed our fingers that we’d meet again that night. Both of us had separately decided in our travels that if the other didn’t make it in, we’d wait in D.C. and rent a car to drive home together. I arrived in D.C. to an empty airport. The TSA workers asked where I came from with my backpack and deep tan. I told them all about my adventure and then went to find my gate. Marta text me that she landed down. “order me a glass of wine” she said. “it’s expensive and tastes like crap” I told her already missing the taste and cost of Italian wine. Our flight was delayed so we played cards and both immediately passed out on the flight. Exhausted, but heading home. 

Dan and I spent the first week of August at his mom’s house in Maine, where I got to meet his parents and sisters and niece and nephew. We had a great week with everyone, but truly our dog Cash had the best time. Morning walks in the woods, afternoon swims in the lake. I’m pretty sure Cash thinks Maine is doggy heaven. Mid-August I FINALLY GOT MY TRUCK that I had ordered a year and a half before. My beautiful, blue, hybrid, pickup. I love her. She’s got a remote start and it’s now cold. I love her even more. Mid-August my parents, Dan, and I went camping in New Jersey. My dad and I had tickets to a three-day country music festival on the beach. We listened to a lot of music, got shoved around and threatened too close to the stage where I learned that in the right circumstances I would actually throw a punch (I didn’t, but I can see it happening), and drank a lot of beer. My dad, Dan, and I also took surfing lessons. It had been on my 30 before 30 list to try surfing and while I was a little late, I’m glad we went. It definitely brought me joy. We also celebrated Lydia and Chris at their wedding. So much love this year. I’m glad I got to dance my face off with all of these beautiful people. 

Also in August, my great-aunt went to be with the lord. I am the descendant of wonderfully strong women and my aunt was no exception. My whole life I had heard stories of her wild road trips and adventures. My dad always told her about my trips. My adventurous spirit was no doubt given to me by her blood in my veins. I’m glad she’s in peace. I hope she has a really cool car in heaven. 

In September, my high school friend Courtney and her husband moved to Pittsburgh. It’s been absolutely incredible to reconnect with them. They have folded beautifully into my friend group. I also went to New York on tour with SHARP, and the renaissance festival, a new tradition that Joel brought to us last year. A lovely end to the summer season. 

In October, I got to stand by my beautiful college friend, Josh’s side as he married the love of his life. I only cried once, or twice, or three….it was beautiful okay! The next weekend I went to Nashville with the most fun group of humans. We went line dancing which made my heart explode with joy, we went to the Opry which made Reg’s heart explode with joy, and celebrated the hell out of Jenna, the beautiful, wonderful, perfect bestie who brought us all together.  

On October 30th, Dan and I went to Phipps, the same place as our first date. This time I wasn’t nervous because I was with my person. He was because at this place that had become so special to our relationship, the love of my life asked me to marry him. I said yes. This sweet old couple popped their heads around the corner to say congratulations and to take our picture. The rest of the day was full of celebrations and calling family. The next day, I continued my Halloween tradition of going trick-or-treating with my niece, Mike, and Lauren. 

In November, I participated in my first archery competition since I was a kid. I didn’t win, but I shot pretty darn well and they asked me to join their archery league. Stay tuned for March 2023. I went back to Philly for SHARP’s home season, where I got to celebrate the fact that my dear sweet Sandra also got engaged. I also went wedding dress shopping with my mom and Jenna and found my dress. 

December is full of holiday celebrations and teaching and reflecting. This year I’m hosting an intentional setting ceremony on December 31st at Triangle Foundry if you’d like to have a guide to set your own intentions for the coming year. 

Shows I’ve seen this year: 

Oklahoma - Benedum Center

Pretty Women the musical - Benedum Center

Hamilton - Benedum Center

Paradise Blue - City Theatre

To Kill a Mockingbird - Benedum Center

The Garbologists - City Theatre

SHARP Dance Company Spring Season

Ain’t Too Proud - Benedum Center

What Kind of Woman - Carnegie Stage

Clyde’s - City Theatre

Frozen - Benedum Center

Bert Kreischer - PPG Paints Arena 

Black Coffee - Iron City Circus Arts

SHARP Dance Company Fall Season

Hadestown - Benedum Center

The Wanderers - City Theatre

Concerts we attended: 

Kipp Moore - Stage AE

Kenny Chesney with Carly Piece, dan + shay, and Old Dominion - Heinz Field 

Tidal Wave Music Festival - Atlantic City

Maddie and Tae - Jergels

Haley Mae Campbell - Nashville 

Straight No Chaser - Benedum Center

Books I read: 

Her Country by Marissa R. Moss

When You’re Ready This is How You Heal by Brianna Wiest

Things I learned from Falling by Claire Nelson

What I Learned from the Trees by L.E. Bowman 

LVOE by Atticus 

Wild by Cheryl Strayed 

Poison for Breakfast by Lemony Snicket 

Poem from my poetry writing class:

KENTUCKY

I’ve never experienced anything as contagious as hearing a grade school giggle. 

Seated on the blue and green car shaped carpet, she literally fell over 

I held the missing puzzle piece in my hand, having recently read it aloud to her

Anxious to finish the 50th state on this morning adventure

Soon a gaggle of giggling five-year-olds surround me

Unsure of the spark of the eruption but participating for the pleasure that is found in pure joy

When the sounds subside I asked for the cause

She points to the piece still held in my hand and simply states “Kentucky is a funny word.” 

She’s not wrong. Kentucky is a funny word. 

I often find myself thinking about Kentucky

Not because I find it overly remarkable

But because one day, Someone offered me a job. 

Fresh out of college it was the first one offered with a 24-hour deadline.

The only image I have is horses in massive fields.

 I don’t even know if that’s true. 

I spent 24 straight hours trying to place my system and spirit in those fields. 

I found myself wondering if those horses were happy. 

24 hours doesn’t feel like enough time to decide the rest of your life.

I didn’t go. 

the imaginary fences felt like cages

but, in a different state, in a different time, 

Listening to a little girl giggle about a word that has no meaning to her 

Except for the place the piece fits to complete the puzzle. 

I wonder for the thousandth time

What if I had gone to Kentucky?